Arsenal fans have discovered that match officials have been transformed from a flock of headless chickens into a sinister syndicate hellbent on a secretive campaign of terror. As a club more than familiar with headless chickens, Chelsea are now considering replacing Poch with the mastermind who achieved this: Howard Webb (The clue was always in the name).
“Mwahahahha!” gloated Webb from his lair in PGMOL headquarters. “Yes, it was me all along, the author of all Arsenal’s pain. The incompetent refereeing decisions across all games were just a smokescreen for our agenda against the Gunners.
“There is no longer any risk in telling you; our bungling buffoonery has been so complete, so convincing, so perfect that not a single fan will believe it was all orchestrated with the generation of a single delicacy in mind: the tears of Arsenal fans.
“Why Arsenal, I hear you ask? Well, my incredulous friend, some things I make clear and obvious, possibly to the detriment of my own conspiracy, while others shall remain inscrutable, implausible, preposterous to a mind as mid-table as yours.
“Now you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a linesman who keeps flagging offside accurately. Hmm, let’s hope he doesn’t get dropped into a tank full of Millwall fans…”
Meanwhile, Mikel Arteta, the first man in history whose hairline advances as he gets older, revealed that he has to shave around his tear ducts daily in order to respond to refereeing decisions.