He stole and oh-so-gently broke Liverpool hearts. Jurgen Klopp’s Anfield exit shows us how to end a relationship without the bitter, futile rage of an incel man-baby…
- Make things steamy with a cooling off period. It’s worth announcing you’re going to break up at least six months early. That way, your partner will treat every subsequent sexual encounter as a testimonial to your marriage. Hopefully.
- Take the blame: “It’s not you, it’s me – I have no energy left for this. Not that you’re demanding, darling!”
- Proclaim your undying love: “I still love you, and your city. We’re still family. Thanks for the £21 million a year. Our relationship is not transactional whatsoever.”
- Reiterate your dedication to the whole family: “I’ve sold the kids off to Saudi and bought some younger ones.”
- Finally, reassure them about the future: “I promise not to kop off with any of your friends. Weeeell… maybe if they’re way out of your league?