Are Newcastle overachieving or in crisis? Rich or broke? A plucky underdog or a freshly minted juggernaut? A beloved local institution or Saudi sportswash shills?
Well, now quantum theory says all can be true at the same time – in other words, Newcastle can be black and white, simultaneously.
Scientists from the Nobel ‘End Uncertainty’ group are investigating the Magpie paradox. From their statement this morning:
“We think that Eddie Howe first put the Magpies’ in quantum flux by proving himself both brilliant and not good enough.
“Since taking over in late 2021, he cobbled together a presentable ensemble of battered trainers, moth-eaten joggers and malfunctioning ShitbitsTM from the Sports Direct bargain bin. And somehow, throwing in some glitzy baubles, he got it all working together well enough to hit the catwalks of Europe.
“But in the last few months, the team have undergone a spontaneous collapse: conceding multiple goals against Premier League rivals, flopping out of the Champions League and Carabao Cup like a poisoned cat, and even losing to outhouse-based relegation fodder Luton.
“So here we have the Magpie paradox: their current league position is both unexpectedly high and unacceptably low.
“Their backers are swimming in piles of filthy cash while the club may need to sell players to stay clean.
“And Newcastle is a one-club city with a fiercely loyal and independent fanbase, now apparently committed to the oil-and-blood-lubed fellatio of a psychotic despot. No, not Eddie Howe, despite the fact that he can’t unclench his teeth.
“We’ve tried experiments to see what’s going on, but nothing has been conclusive. In head-to-head collisions, the high pressure at the Stadium of Light invalidated our results, and what we call a ‘KDB Event’ ruled out any evidence from the Man City clash.”
Meanwhile, Amazon Studios have proposed a new docuseries: Toon Army – All and Nothing