Having single-handedly ended food poverty in the UK, Marcus Rashford set his sights on Belfast, where he quashed the re-emergence of sectarian troubles in a single tequila-fuelled rampage.
Gathering various factions at an Italian restaurant in the Northern Irish capital, Rashford brokered the Good Wednesday Night Agreement – an all-party pact to forget grievances and stop worrying about tomorrow.
Rashford’s diplomacy was apparently very disarming; he started with empathy: “I can understand wanting tequila man.”
Next, he laid down the law, insisting that all involved “down their shooters.”
Finally, he suggested they all consider themselves part of the same club, which turned out to be a nightclub called Thompson’s Garage.
Negotiations continued until the small hours of the morning, with Rashford offering his own cash to extend the session, giving everyone their time at the podium.
At last, a deal was reached and an exhausted but dignified Rashford was seen stumbling back to his hotel.
The next day, it emerged that despite his apparent success, Rashford had failed to negotiate leave for the impromptu summit.
The forward’s diplomatic genius was also called into question: after all, the Manchester United dressing room remains the most divided place in the country.