In the dying embers of Sunday’s City-Spurs clash, Haaland’s extra alien mouth popped out to abuse referee Simon Hooper.
PGMOL, the organization that coordinates refereeing blunders, released a statement soon after the incident:
“Unacceptable behaviour from Haaland. On pitch, no-one can hear you scream “F*** off!!!”, but everyone can still lipread – even on that angry little popout mouth.
“Of course, Premier League referees can radio for teams of varines, and we’re looking into exosuit cargo loaders for next season, but as usual lower league refs will bear the brunt of any copycat antics. Kids’ refs are already bracing to fend off hordes of wannabe facehuggers, not to mention their irate broodqueens. And ejecting the shrieking spawn out of an airlock simply isn’t an option.”
Whoever wins the Premier League this season will probably have to dodge an alien facehugger, a trap laid in the trophy by Haaland’s kiss. Unless, that is, the league finally decides to nuke Man City from space with any of the 115 warheads they have trained on them.