2025 – 52 Goals! Some might say a player-manager subbing themselves on every time there’s a penalty or free kick in the opposition third is stat padding, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s leadership – setting a great example for the Real Madrid Under-12s.
2030 – 52 Goals! And the San Marino Sunday League Division 6 is no joke. Not a FIFA conspiracy like the World Cup! Pessi fanboys – how can your so-called hero be the GOAT if he’s ‘retired with dignity’?
2063 – 52 Goals! Still the world’s greatest striker! Taking the Serene Pines Nursing Home Over-80s league to new heights. What a winning mentality – not even fazed by shitting himself in the 12th minute vs Pipe and Slippers United. Messy, yes, but better than Messi. And he’s still banging them in at both ends – who cares if he forgets which way he’s shooting?
2240 – World War IV has left the Earth a charred husk. Rivers run dry. Forests have withered. Civilisation has crumbled. Among the rubble of fallen skyscrapers, burnt out cars and abandoned malls, CR7 fans desperately scrabble for any mobile phone with a tiny bit of battery. Before they succumb to starvation, they post one last diss of ‘Pessi’ and the legacy of their long-dead idol lives on.
3426 – Archaeologists digging in the site of an ancient civilisation known only as ‘Bernabeuria’ uncover a bizarre crypt. Within the crypt, they discover five ceremonial pyrite globes and the skeleton of a 6-foot-2 man strapped to a mechanical frame. Once a week, a ball rolls down a chute onto a spot just in front of the skeleton’s right foot. This triggers a piston, propelling the foot into the ball, and the ball into a net at the opposite end of the crypt. Above the net, the archaeologists painstakingly dust off an engraving in a long-lost language: ‘52 goals this year! Suck that, Pessi!’