25 kids. 25-year deals. Lego. No wonder London’s under-10 talent is heading to Stamford Bridge. TTP talks to Chelsea owner Wad Woelly…
What was the thinking behind the new recruitment strategy?
“After signing so many disappointments from backwater European leagues, we decided to go local. But don’t worry, we are sticking to our principles of committing to absurdly speculative long-term deals and investing in too many first team prospects to possibly keep happy.”
Were there any difficulties negotiating these deals?
“It’s been a tough to get some of this talent away from their school football teams. Southbank Primary, for one, drove a really hard bargain in terms of transfer fees. On the other hand, many schools are using the fees to invest in better sports facilities, which should help the pipeline in future.
“Most of the players themselves were won over by lunch queue passes and a Lego Chain Reactions set. To be fair, that’ll probably give them a better understanding of cause and effect than me.
“The parents, of course, were keen on the £1m a year for the next 25 years.”
What’s the route to the first team for these players?
“We’ll probably start bringing some of them on as subs in FA cup games this season, you know, when we’re struggling to break down Doncaster Rovers or Sutton United, or during crucial moments in our, what’s it called… generation battle? No, erm, sorry, I mean… you know… we don’t have them back home… Ah, never mind, probably not important.”
Isn’t the squad already bloated?
“You might think that, but the thing about these kids is they won’t mind sitting cross-legged on the floor outside the dressing room.”
What about the inexperience?
“That’s not a worry for us. Some of them have been playing football in London for years now, which is more than can be said of the likes of Mudryk or Jackson. And they don’t have any injury problems – the worst is a grazed knee. Poch is good at working with younger players, so we’re playing to our strengths really. We’ll bring through the frontman we need from this group. One of them will score a goal in the next two decades, surely!”