Chelsea owner Todd Boehly has installed a bed at Stamford Bridge so fans can watch him screwing the club in real time.
“Obviously I’ve been getting busy behind the scenes, but I thought, why does it have to be done in the dark? After all, I am proud!”
Fans are divided on the bed. Many would rather gouge their eyes out with an implement as blunt as the Blues’ strike-force than watch Boehly plundering their club’s kitty.
Others are relieved to be able to hibernate comfortably while they wait for Chelsea’s 156 new signings to, er, bed in.
Laid in Chelsea star Georgia Toffolo, a lifelong Norwich fan, was Boehly’s canary down the coalmine, being the first to get tucked up at Stamford Bridge.
“It’s a whole hotel room really, very realistic. And I’m a big fan of the widescreen tellies – great to have something entertaining to watch through the long, long hours of Chelsea fixtures.”
Toffolo was asleep by half time, but was still able to call several refereeing decisions more accurately than VAR.