Man United were the winners of this season’s banter-club derby, with a McTominay brace against Chelsea. Dutch answer to Walter White, Erik ten Hag, was awarded Manager of the Month and made a celebratory statement that sparked speculation he’d been smoking his own meth.
“It’s been a long journey from a timid chemistry teacher to a real Premier League manager, but this is how I wanted to play, which is why I started so few of the players I’ve signed, benched McTominay for 14 games last season and barely selected Maguire until now. Consistency is key, so obviously I’m disappointed that Onana didn’t throw away the win somehow, but many of the players that I’ve never consistently selected have performed in the exact way I have always wanted them to.”
“Everyone was telling me, ‘you can’t succeed in this job’. They said it was impossible. Me? I wanted the challenge. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. After 18 months, a single win over a disorganised former rival in mid-table form is proof that I’ve turned it all around. Forget Galatasaray, Newcastle, Copenhagen – a marginal win against a Chelsea team of injured 12-year-olds proves we’re on track.”
“Say my name!” he demanded of a bemused audience. “I’m the guy who turned Rashford’s form around last season but doesn’t deserve criticism for his current slump.”
“Say my name! I’m the guy who said Onana is the second best keeper in the prem.”
“I’m the guy who took out Jadon Sancho. Say my name!”
“Erik ten Hag?” piped up a confused mascot.
“You’re god damn right!”
The Man United social media team celebrated the win by sharing a clip more than four seconds long, something they haven’t been able to do for weeks.