Everton’s Farhad Moshiri has been found guilty of being the Premier League’s thickest owner. Following their investigation, the Premier League plans to dock the British-Iranian billionaire a further 10 IQ points, making him the first person in history to have a negative IQ.
True to idiotic form, Moshiri immediately pled guilty while crying that clubs fighting ongoing cases hadn’t been punished, sacked all Everton’s backroom staff to bring in Sean Dyche’s entourage (literally just a pitbull called Dave), and then announced plans to fire Dyche while promoting Dave to Director of Football.
In the name of ham-fisted transparency, Moshiri then posted the Premier League Commission his diary – a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings and crayon scrawl that reveals his plans for the club in 2024.
Amongst the damaged pages (Director Dave likes to chew, but Moshiri himself can’t be ruled out), the diary reveals a shortlist of fan-favourite replacements for Dyche including Steven Gerard, Kenny Dalglish and Mighty Red, the Liverpool mascot.
A badly spelt letter to ‘FFP Santa’ also features: Moshiri’s Christmas list includes a new frontline of Mbappe, Bellingham and Haaland, and he promises he will be a good boy, compensating for overspend by loaning injury magnet Calvert-Lewin to cash-strapped Lapland Rangers.
The Everton owner is now frontrunner for this season’s Ballon D’umb, an award he believes Evertonians will love to see in their trophy cabinet – and where better to confirm such insights than the vantage point of his Monaco yacht?