After several seasons sampling the tears of Premier League managers, VAR (Vineyard Assessment Referees) have released a handy tasting guide:
Côte d’Arteta – Salty, with the long, bitter finish typical of the region. Lingering notes of sour grapes.
Dom Pépignon – A jubilant if deceptive vintage with a fragrance reminiscent of FFP violation. Crisp, with delicate bubbles of denial. Best served with legal papers.
Emery Villa Asti – Gunpowder fragrance and a few badly pronounced early notes dissipate into a sweet aftertaste. Drinkable but deceptively strong – more than three glasses and you may not have a good ebening.
Kloppo Viejo – Initial mellow tones disguise an unexpectedly spicy finish. Full of winning character but often corked. In these cases, the vineyard will issue an apology but no replacement.
Anjolais – A surprisingly refreshing Cabernet Emptignon that flows well, despite lacking legs and depth. As with previous vintages, the early sparkle dissolves into a finish that is not so full-bodied.
Moyeson’s Savers – For a cut-price claret, this is a surprisingly seasoned vintage, and could give some of the more expensive entries on this list a run for their money.
Cassillero De Zerbi – The pressings of an early harvest, matured quickly into a fruity and occasionally spicy tipple, working well as a palette cleanser. Ingredients change from season to season, but the results somehow remain similar.
Chateau Ten Hag – The initial zesty zing builds into intense bitterness. As the complexity of this wine emerges, flavours vie for dominance, and many don’t work together. Nonetheless, it pairs well with undercooked chicken and a decade of disappointment.
Petit Poch – An upmarket Boehljolais that needs time to mature before it can become anything more than a mid tablewine. Made from a wide selection of grapes, harvested early, that have not been well combined.
Howe’s Landing – A new world wine with a rich aroma masking a lack of depth. This needs to be decanted and rested before it can rival established European vineyards.